So after hearing the speech of Hosni Mubarak i was left in shock and awe…..for all the WRONG reasons….This guy makes Tom Cruise look grounded in reality…It’s only a guy that deluded that can see his own people raging against HIM and think….maybe I need to change the configuration of the crew I role with. Hosni, let’s get one thing straight on the get go…just BECAUSE people are screaming your name doesn’t mean they like you…it ISN’T a coincidence that its usually accompanied with the words ‘Down’ and ‘With’.
Regardless …I have managed to attain the speech for you that he made with added commentary on what is going on inside his head…*which to be honest isn’t much*.
WARNING: anyone allergic to CHEESE and BULLS**** should avoid going any further.
I am addressing you at a very defining moment which mandates all of us to make a conscious stand *by stand i mean stand anywhere but in the streets*. I have been closely monitoring the demonstrations and the demands voiced by the people * I’v been so busy monitoring it i’v had to cut back on the hours I spend rolling around in the country’s money *. My instructions to the government stressed that they should provide an opportunity for the masses to express their views and demands *my exact words to the police where; treat today like a game of GTA*. I then followed the attempts of some to jump on the bandwagon and cause unrest. I regret the innocent causalities and victims on both the side of the citizens and police personal. The government committed to my instructions and this was clear in the way the police handled demonstrators *yep…1030 wounded and counting… that’s gotta b an all time record… Not to mention the deaths…where IS my medal at?*. They took the initiative to defend them at the beginning of the demonstrations respecting their right to peaceful demonstrations. This was so long as it was within parameters of the law but these demonstrations turned into acts of riot threatening the public order and impairing the daily lives of the Egyptian citizens. These demonstrations and what we witnessed earlier of rallies staged over the past few years wouldn’t have taken place without the huge spaces and room for freedom of expression, freedom of press and many other forms of freedoms that was granted to the Egyptian people by the reforms * I’ll have you know people are FREE to choose whatever POSITIVE thing they want to say about me…EVEN the newspapers are free to print whatever positive thing that want to say about me…sure i usually stipulate which options they can choose from…but they STILL have a choice…usually just between two options though…when i say 2…i mean 1*
In my capacity as a president of the republic and by virtue of all the powers conferred to me by *me* the constitution as *Big Daddy* a judge and arbitrator I always have stressed and will continue to reiterate that sovereignty will be to the people and i will always adhere to exercising the right of freedom and expression so long as it’s within the permits of law and constitution. There is a fine line separating freedom from chaos and while I take the side of citizen’s freedom to express their views I also similarly adhere to defending Egypt stability and security and to not steer it into any threats that may jeopardise public safety and public order whose repercussions on the current and future of Egypt is unpredictable *and by security and stability i mean my security and my ass-on-the-throne stability…that ass dent on the throne aint gona sustain itself *. Egypt is the biggest country in the region in terms of the population, geographical location and heavy weight it is a state of institutions governed by the constitution and the rule of law and we should be cautious and aware of the many examples around us that draw people to chaos and mayhem in which they gained no democracy or stability *discard all the many examples where this has succeeded like in America, Britian, South Africa, France….let’s just cut it short and just say screw history*. My fellow citizens these demonstrations came to express the lawful aspirations of more democracy and called for speedy actions to combat unemployment, raising standards of living, fighting poverty and addressing corruption. I am fully aware of these lawful aspirations of the Egyptian people and i am also aware of the degree of their suffering to which i am always attached to and working day after day for *Hell am i aware of their suffering…i DO take pride in my work after all…It isn’t easy being corrupt, hated and callous*. However the problems facing us and the goals sought by us cannot be achieved through violence nor chaos they can only be achieved through national dialogue and a conscious concerted genuine efforts *by dialogue i mean i talk you listen…you talk your ass gets thrown in Jail*.
The use of Egypt is a dear wealth, and Egypt looks to the demonstrators to steer away from those who entice chaos, looting public and private property, arsons and knocking down what we have been building *This of course does not apply to the secret undercover agents i have sent out to do just that…they are simply taking a simple approach to ‘refurbishing’ the country *. I have a firm belief and conviction that we will continue or political and economic social reforms for a free and democratic Egyptian society embracing the modern principles and opening to the world *note to self: ask the USA for more money to prop up our piggy bank*. I have taken the side and always will take the side of the poor people of Egypt convinced that Economy is too dangerous to be left to economist alone *It’s all about rookie’s luck i tell you… ask ANY gambler…i’m sure through trial and lots of error i’ll get it right*. I have always been keen to direct governmental policy towards economic reforms that speed up and lessen the suffering of the people *Note to self: Remember to ask the USA if they will cover our phone bills to them to*. Our plans to combat unemployment and provide more educational services, healthcare, housing and many other services to the youth and citizens will remain conditional on our efforts to maintain a secure and stable Egyptian homeland for the civilized people which will not jeopardise its future and allow it to go down the drain. We will rise above the arsons and looting which may indicate further plots to shake the foundations of stability of Egypt. I call on our youth and call on each and every Egyptian citizen man and woman to work for the public interest of the people and to stand up for their country not by setting ablaze or assaulting public and private property as it is not by this that we can achieve the aspirations of Egypt and its people. Yet these aspirations can be achieved for a better future by way of awareness, dialogue and genuine efforts for the public good *Must remember to call up my son Gamal and the rest of my crooked crew and tell them not to panic they are of course exempt from these conditionality’s…..better add that to the phone bill the USA will cover*.
My fellow citizens I address you today not only as the president of the republic but as an Egyptian citizen who’s faith put me under the responsibility of this country and I have exhausted my life for the country in times of war and peace *Holla at the fact that i played the religion card*. We have withered hard times and surmounted these obstacles by standing up for them as one nation. We are aware of our directions and goals set towards reform which we have embraced and which has no point of return. We will continue steadily through new steps that emphasis our respect to the rule of law, new steps towards democracy, more freedoms to citizens, reduction in unemployment, raising standard of living, developing services and to stand by the side of the poor and people of low income *Here is hoping no one calls my Bluff*. Our options and our goals will define the shape of out futures and we have no other alternative to achieve them but to embrace genuine work and through that struggle we will continue to maintain what we have earned and embark on. Those cautious of the future of the nation the incidents that took place today and the past few days have left the majority of the Egyptian people fearing for Egypt and its future, cautious of further mayhem chaos and destruction *Especially since they don’t have the luxury afforded to me and my home bois of our own Egyptian police force… the national police force is our B**** *. I shoulder my first responsibility to maintain the homeland security and citizen safety and cannot tolerate or allow this fear to grip our people * how DARE they…tryna take OUR jobs of installing fear into the population away from us… you KNOW how much effort goes into building a secret service? Those Torture chambers are an investment people….and i WANT my money’s worth… especially since it’s a recession.. gotta break even*. I won’t allow this to haunt our future and or our faith so I have requested the government to step down today and i will designate a new government as of tomorrow to shoulder new duties and to account for the priorities of the upcoming era *i know i know…I’m too kind…it’ll b hard work re-shuffling my cabinet but i’ll persist because I’m not a quitter…Literally..I’m thinking of maybe playing a game of musical chairs to decide who goes where* I state once again that I will not b lax or tolerant and I will take all the steps to maintain the safety and security of all Egyptians. I will safeguard the safety of Egypt and the aspirations of our people it is the duty and responsibility which I have taken in the oath to safeguard and to maintain. May god save Egypt, its people and may he guide all our steps and may peace be upon you all *H-M over and out…AND that’s how you do it BEN ALI…smakkkkdowwwwn…where my FANS at*.
A massive congrats for those who managed to get to here without throwing up in disgust.
Till Next time,