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Category Archives: Serious-Comical
I got 99 problems and Iran is all of them
Today an Israeli newspaper reported that Israeli Prime Minister Benjimin Netenyahu and his Defense minister would like to attack Iran’s nuclear sites before the November U.S elections. Despite their strident views they lack crucial support both within their cabinet and their military. That coupled with the fact that If a war with Iran was to be launched this would considerably shake and rupture the bedrock of ties between Israel and the US as the latter country has made it clear about its desire to avoid any conflict of sorts.
Israel Israel Israel, what are we going to do with you and your fixated paranoia? If Israel was a person by now there would be a restraining order out on its ass. The problem with all this isn’t that Israel has a problem with Iran, after all, many countries do, it’s how it goes about justifying and then exaggerating its problems. The ironic fact about this latest report by Israel is that US officials only just yesterday released a report highlighting that Iran is not only not on the verge of having a nuclear weapon but that Tehran has not even made a decision on whether or not it should pursue one. Now how Netanyahu missed this tid bit of information goes beyond me, but what this statement does is virtually punch massive holes into Israel’s current war rampant tirade.
This Israeli paranio and ‘blame Iran’ mantra was even extended to the recent attacks in Egypt which left 16 Egyptian border police dead. Israel was quick on the mark, pointing the finger startlingly at Iran. This claim against Iran is largely unfounded as even when Israel accused it of the attack it didn’t offer up a shred of evidence to justify its claim. This kind of behavior literally reminds me of playground politics. It’s like when there is a kid you don’t like in nursery because he has taken your shovel in the sand pit whilst you were busy dilly dallying about with bucket… you try and snatch it back (in kids terms that amounts to; excuse me sir, but I happen to notice that thou has attained thee’s shovel whilst thy was unaware) but the kid refuses to hand it back…so you shove over a plant pot and when asked what happened automatically say ‘Ayatollah did it’…….even though you are at home and a week has passed by and said Ayatollah is holidaying in Iran (Came together nicely in the end didn’t it?).
Now yea that analogy is a complete curve ball and if you think about it doesn’t reeeeeeally make that much sense but I just wanted to give a young kid named Ayatollah his 5 seconds of fame in this drama. Point is Israel, stop waging war on an unimagined reality. You don’t need to make-up vices against Iran to have a grudge against the country. The more you fabricate the less ingenious any of your claims will be. Plus, you know the people at the top in Israel are waning in their judgment (more so than usual) when they are ready to throw the towel in with the US for the sake of meting out this undue punishment to Iran. The funny thing is, Iran and Israel are two faces of the same coin in many respects. They both like throwing around wild accusations at their enemies whilst turning a blind eye to their disdainful policies back home. They both like to take on this ‘me against the world’, ‘David vs Goliath’ attitude when it comes to defining their place on the world map. Also they are both largely seen to be pariahs in the region they reside in. So yea, practically twins.
Basically put your spears and war paint away Israel and settle right down … because unless you’re looking to be the newly added member of the Expandables cast, you’ve got no reason to be going anywhere with your battle cry, anytime soon.
Casualty: Mubarak Addition
One of the things that had continually dogged the Mubarak trial had been the health status of Hosni Mubarak. With the ending of the trial on Saturday, which convicted Mubarak of having failed to intervene to stop the killings of protesters, questions regarding his deteriorating health continue to enlist coverage. Since the trials had begun Mubarak had been in and out of hospital and had also demanded to be carried into court on a stretcher re-emphasizing his overall ‘fragile’ state and health.
Now some of you may point to all this as simple theatrics. Some of you may point to Mubarak maybe having ulterior motives in his depiction of himself as a weak and frail man. So he can enlist sympathy? So he can engender concerns over a breach of his Human Rights? Maybe he has his eyes on a particular prize. An Emmy? Dare say an Oscar? Since he has lost the presidential seat he might be looking for a back-up career as a Hollywood method actor.
No No, I say. That is not what all this hoopla surrounding his health is about. It’s all a misunderstanding, and if anything, Mubarak has been in fact, wronged. Don’t believe me? Take a gander at some of the points listed below:
Firstly, Mubarak’s health further deteriorated on Monday after a visit from his wife Suzanne Mubarak who sobbed at the sight of Muabarak in his blue prison suit. I understand your pain Suzanne…. How could they do this to your husband? BLUE PRISION SUIT? Have you no sense of shame or ounce of morality Egypt? You know that BLUE isn’t his color. It clearly does nothing for his complexion and washes out his face without bringing due attention to his eyes. Savages.
But if this fashion faux pas isn’t enough to engender your sympathy for Mubarak then maybe recanting some of these events may sway you. See if you can stomach this. Right after his sentencing on Saturday Mubarak was transferred directly from the court by helicopter to Cairo prison hospital. Mubarak reportedly cried and tried to resist leaving the helicopter. Why I hear you cry? Because Mubarak was insisting he instead be flown to his luxury suit were he had been held during his trial. Mubarak…selfless as always. You see Mubarak didn’t want to trouble the doctors and nurses in the hospital with his ailments as it would divert undue attention from their care of other patients at their facility and therefore inevitably lead to an increase in their workload. He, like the selfless hero he is, instead wanted to tough it out ‘bear- grylls’ style in the harsh and barren conditions of his luxury suite. Brave man…. Putting others before himself.
But then I hear you ask, why was he seen on a stretcher being carried in and out of court throughout his trial? Surely if the man is not well enough to walk into nor sit in court he should be in a proper medical facility which can afford him the treatment he so desperately needs rather than holed up in the confines of his luxury non-medical abode? To this I say you are misunderstanding the situation. This is a clear case of Hosni simply being thoughtful. The man was simply thinking of the health of the people carrying his stretcher. He saw that a few people needed some extra bicep and tricep action and so offered to be there ‘weight-training-man’. He was simply giving them their dose of exercise for the day which as any well informed individual knows, is integral to leading a healthy and balanced lifestyle.
But on a serious note, Mubarak, man the F’ up. The sympathy afforded to you and the treatment you have received while being held on trial is a million times more gracious than that afforded to the political dissidents, martyrs, protesters and revolutionaries whom you crushed, repressed, tortured and beat in your quest to retain power. The tears and theatrics you and your family spill mean nothing in the wake of the destruction and corruption of your rule. You have had the wish of having your son Gamal Mubarak moved to a nearby cell near you granted. The people you held, tortured and who died in your prisons were never afforded the means to say farewell to their loved ones and family let alone having any of their wishes granted. They weren’t afforded luxury suits while they waited trial, hell most of them never even got a day in court to face the ‘charges’ brought against them.
They say you reap what you sow, but if that was true, you would be sowing a painful existence rather than a mere inconvenience to your living standards.
Self-Destruction: You Are Doing It Right
On Sunday Ahmed Shafiq, one of the two remaining candidates still in the running for the Egyptian presidency, gave a press conference in a luxurious hotel in Cairo. In it he stated that ‘the Muslim Brotherhood is the old regime’ and by old regime, he means that of Hosni Mubarak’s.
Now, mudslinging between opponents is unfortunately nothing new. Going toe-to-toe in the verbal ring of insults is a common fixture in many countries campaign run’s for office, and it seems Egypt is no different.
What is interesting to note though is the choice of insult Ahmed Shafiq has chosen to use. Muslim Brotherhood part of the old regime? You get ‘em son. Right in the money maker. That’ll clearly discredit them in the minds of many as who wants to be associated with that Z lister has been. Mubarak? That’s SO 1981-2011. That fad is well and truly over.
Ballsy Shafiq, Ballsy. You got this son. Not only can this guy give a punch but he can clearly take one. He can so badly take one that he is just out there metaphorically punching himself. How I hear you ask?
Well because not only did Ahmed Shafiq serve in Mubarak’s government from 2002-11 as a Minister of Civil Aviation, he was also appointed Prime Minister by the Top dog for 33 days during the Egyptian Revolutions.
So as you can see, Shafiq is clearly adopting a Kamikaze style approach to this presidential race, going all-out fight club on his own ass. Ain’t no-one gonna take down and discredit the Shafiq-inator…except Shafiq
Campaigning… you are doing it wrong Shafiq.
Crackin’ Down
So yesterday Obama announced that he had signed an executive order targeting people and entities who use technology to help authoritarian governments crack-down on dissidents.
Obama stated in his speech on Monday at the Holocaust Memorial Museum in Washington that:
“Technologies should be in place to empower citizens, not to oppress them,”
Ultimately these new penalties are aimed at pressuring authoritarian entities that use information technology to commit human-rights abuse. But the US in its statement specifically signaled out and targeted Iran and Syria for condemnation. The U.S. treasury department has already slapped sanctions on six Iranian and Syrian companies & government branches along with the head of Syria’s intelligence directorate. The sanctions implemented will freeze any of the assets they hold in US jurisdiction whilst also simultaneously banning any US citizen from doing business with them.
Now I am not one to criticize any steps made to help inhibit any authoritarian regimes crackdown on its people. After all, it is true what Obama has said, technology should be used to benefit the human race rather than crush it. But where my contention lies is in the selectivity of this policy. As is made clear, the policy is aimed at Iran and Syria, two regimes that aren’t or have never been in the good graces of the West. With the daily protests and rising death toll in Syria its emphasis in the statement makes sense topically as well as politically since the UN is at loss at how to best ‘discipline’ the regime’s wanton violence. But some may frown at the inclusion of Iran. If we are looking at the crackdown on dissidents, unlike places like Syria it is not going through an abnormal uproar of dissent. So why was it included? Two words… Nuclear Weapons. These sanctions fit nicely into the US’s Iran agenda and hence their integral inclusion in the statement is explained.
Now don’t get me wrong, that isn’t to say there isn’t any dissent or human rights abuses taking place in Iran. On the contrary, its record on human rights is as bleak as any paranoid authoritarian’s regime. My point isn’t that Iran shouldn’t be included on the list, just that it should have been joined by the likes of Bahrain, Saudi Arabia, Jordan etc. Its inclusion and especially Bahrain’s exclusion is comical. Bahrain has been spotlighted in the news lately due to the ongoing heavy-handed crackdown on protesters as the F1 race is held on its shores. The silence on Bahrain doesn’t surprise me, though. It fits nicely into the current US stance on it, i.e. Turn a blind eye.
But another interesting thing to note is the statements focus on ‘technology’. One might wonder why stop at technology that facilitates the authoritarian governments to locate these dissenters, why not also ban the weaponry these regimes use to crack down on these dissenters? After all, knowing who your dissenters are isn’t the same as having the means to punish them. So what’s the hold up? The US is the hold up. It is the biggest arms trader in the world. Awkward to say the least. Don’t want to be seen to be shooting oneself in the foot. It seems the US’s moral compass on those who aide authoritarian regimes is lost when it comes to weaponry. Technology? No No, Dear God No. Guns & Bombs you say? How many you want?
To view this hypocrisy one simply needs to look at any of the many events that have transpired in the Middle East’s revolutionary up-heavel. An example of this would be that during the crackdown on Egypt’s pro-democracy movement the protesters in Tahrir square were being told that the US stood by them (Regardless of how timid and late this stance was) in their battle for democracy… whilst they had tear gas canisters being fired at them daily with the words ‘Made in the USA’ proudly embezzled on the side. Hypocrisy, you’re doing it right USA.
The point I’d like to stress is the fact that this policy isn’t and shouldn’t be viewed as one void of US interests. Iran and Syria have abused their positions of power and have wronged their people and therefore should be punished no question about it. I applaud the step towards holding to account those who help authoritarian regimes wrong their people, but what I don’t applaud is an inherent selectivity and bias in these steps. It’s poignant that Obama made this speech in front of the Holocaust memorial. After all, it wasn’t technology that simply led to the devastating events of the holocaust, but weaponry.
People are not blind to hypocrisy and those who make grand overtures of being the ‘world’s police force’ should remember that. As the protests in the Middle East have shown us, eloquence of words and speeches from above do not make-up for the hollowness of in-action below.
Simply stated it should be: Accountability of all, in the interest of everyone instead of the few.
Oblivious Bernie
Bernie Ecclestone yesterday finally put rumors to rest and declared that the F1 race would definitely take place in Bahrain this year. He also claimed in his statement that everything is peaceful and quiet in Bahrain and that everybody is happy with the outcome of this decision. There had been much debate and deliberation prior to his announcement over whether or not the F1 race would be pulled from Bahrain due to the government’s ongoing heavy-handed repression and discrimination of its pro-democracy protesters. The reasons to why the people are protesting are varied and have been covered in this previous post so I wont recite the points again. But bear in mind since my post there have been have been a plethora of abuses of human rights and injustices that have occurred.
In hearing the news of the commencement of the F1 race as scheduled Amnesty responded criticizing the decision stating that:
“as the country prepares to host the Grand Prix, daily anti-government protests continue to be violently suppressed by the riot police that uses tear gas recklessly with fatal results.”
Not only that but on the same day as the announcement was made a young 14 year old boy was shot in the chest by government forces during a protest.
So peaceful and quiet Bernie says. If this is quiet and peaceful I’d like to see his idea of violent. Armagaddon is probably a walk in the park for this Hard-as-nails character. This race should not be held in a country which continues to ignore and repress the cries of its people.
But there are those who argue that the other side of the argument should be given some recognition. This side claims the F1 race will bring in revenue through tourism and jobs. To this I say yes it would, but right now ‘revenue’ is not what the country needs. Instead ‘Justice’ is what it should be seeking as the seeds of discontent and division continue to be sown. And anyway, whatever way you look at it, Bahrain is NOT exactly struggling economically. Fact: It’s not a picture of poverty and depravity. If it has survived countless years without the F1 race, I am sure it will manage to survive this year and the many more years to come without it. After all, this F1 race isn’t exactly going to be a constant yearly fixture on the Bahrani calendar.
Instead the Race should be cancelled. A message should be sent, however small, that no government who serves its needs over its peoples will be rewarded, be it with something as superficial as an international F1 race.
Injustice should not be Ignored, let alone rewarded.
Will The Real Dictator Please Stand Up.
As the barrage of emails from Assad and his wife keep coming new gems are being unearthed in these personal correspondences. Not one for unequal relations between the sexes *raise that feminist flag gurl*, Asma has been found to be emailing her friends saying SHE is in actual fact the ‘real dictator’ in her family. Now I get what she sees in Bashar… herself.
Another thing that was revealed in the emails was a joke she forwarded to her friends and family regarding the people of Homs, or more specifically, the students. The joke alludes to the fact that the student’s in Homs are dumb & stupid with a faux answer and question sheet being attached of a supposed Homs student’s answers to a test. An example of a question would be:
Q: In which battle did Napoleon die in?
A: His last battle.
*Clap clap*. Now even IF this was true and the students were to answer these questions in that manner, I would personally hi-5 them for their wit and creativity, something that the Neanderthal Assad clan are CLEARLY lacking.
But regardless of this, the interesting thing to note is that Asma Al-Assad’s family are actually originally from Homs. So looks like the real joke is on her. Bless her lack of foresight, her logic clearly makes me wonder if there is any truth to that email after all… well… in her family’s case anyways.
Next time you try and be funny Asma….Don’t
You’ve Got Hacked
So over this past week there have been a barrage of Assad’s personal emails leaked to the press and it has given an interesting insight into the personal and private life of one of the world’s most hated figures. Amidst all the chaos, mayhem and bloodshed that is currently occurring in Syria one wonders what goes on in the head of Bashar Al-Assad…. And the answer is unsurprisingly, not much. There are no real bombshells hidden amongst the emails but nonetheless the emails do help in shedding some light on what is actually going on at the top of a well renowned secretive and exclusive regime.
So here is a brief round-up of 3 things I found most humorous:
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1) His Humour: Twisted
How do we know this? Assad apparently sent a Youtube video link which re-enacted the bloody siege of Homs using toys and biscuits to amuse an aide. This guy, whilst everyone else is busy amusing themselves with funny and cute cat and baby videos he is out there LOL’ing at a bloody crackdown on his own people… which HE is instigating. I get that cat video’s are ‘too mainstream’ man but this is the wrong ‘hipster’ approach to it. Its more ‘Creepster’ if anything.
But to be honest, Ima give the dude the benefit of the doubt. Knowing him, he probably got confused and thought this video was actually a live recording of events on the ground. You see, with all that crap the Syrian State TV is pouring out it must be very hard to distinguish fact from fiction. And in this case, toy’s and biscuits probably seem just as plausible as any propaganda report that has been churned out by his beloved State TV. IF anything…. the video is probably more factual.
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2) His wife: shopping like there is no tomorrow
While Bashar is busy handling important state affairs like downloading the newest Chris Brown track (Team Breezy) and linking to his favorite educational videos on Homs, his wife was making a real difference and impact….. on their bank accounts. Woman reportedly dropped $10,000 pounds in Paris on some candlesticks. Now correct me if I’m wrong, but since when did anyone need to spend that much on candlesticks? Has no one alerted the woman of the advent of electricity? Even the gluttonous Kings who ruled in the Dark ages are turning in their graves at the thought of that much wonga being spent on candlesticks. Unless she dropped that amount on a bunch of candles she plans to send to the many areas in Syria which are currently being besieged by her husband’s security forces I see no good reason why she did what she did. Hell, the figure 10,000 and the word candle should never be in the same sentence together… Ever!
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3) His Love life: Saucy
Well ‘ello ‘ello. Look what we have here. The above picture was sent to Bashar by a yet unidentified confident of his.
Now putting aside the fact that this girl is clearly a desperate hussy, one begs the question, how does this guy do it? This guy has got the face of a muppet and the personality of a puppet … he isn’t a catch but more of a loss, and that’s putting aside all the blood he has on his hands. Yet he still seemingly has woman swooning over him. I have never understood the appeal of a repressive dictator let alone a mass murdering one. From Mubarak’s wife, to Ben Ali’s wife, to Bashar’s wife etc. it seems like a heartless, corrupt and bloodthirsty git is not a turn off. Do these women have no ounce of self-respect or worth? Aren’t we woman supposed to be the nurturing, caring and loving ones? Yet we find so many of this high-profile woman shirking this maternal side to them and sticking by their barely there men. There is no rhyme or reason to why they would sell their morals down the river &….oh wait .. hold up…. *re-reads point number 2* …oooooh I see it. One word: Kerching. Money makes the world go round and apparently, these woman’s love lives aswell. It’s all about the dolla dolla bills.
Apparently in these woman’s cases, some things aren’t priceless, and for everything there is Mastercard.
Grabbing That Land
Israel has carried out a de facto annexation of the Palestinian land northeast of the Jordan Valley and has given it to the Kibbutz (Israeli collective community) Merav. The route of the separation barrier in the area has been changed so that the piece of land in question, about 1,500 dunams (375 acres ), would now be on the Israeli side.
Israel has previously built roads on and given Palestinian land in the West Bank to Jewish settlements, but this is thought to be the first instance of Palestinian-owned land being transferred to a community on sovereign Israeli territory.
I don’t even know what to say anymore. Land seems to be the Yin to Israeli’s Yang. Like the fat kid in Willy Wonka’s candy factory….it just can’t help itself. Its carving up the land like its Christmas Turkey at a homeless shelter…. But where the carver gets most of the turkey and the homeless are left with scraps. Its not even like they try and hide it. Even though these acts are wholly illegal and are in breach of international law they continue to flout the rules carte blanche. Why? Because they know they can get away with it as they have gotten away with it countless times before. At most, they might get a strongly worded statement by the UN and if their real unlucky, a resolution passed against them. Any tangible form of action will be simply shot down by its Baby Daddy the US. Go figure.
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will not harm me.
Back Track
The Palestinian Authority has supposedly offered the United States and Israel a deal in which it would freeze all its current plans to achieve full membership for Palestine in various UN agencies until the end of January. In return for this freeze the United States and Israel would have to resume transferring funds (which they have currently halted) into Palestine.
Surprise surprise, once again we see the Palestinian Authority seceding to the pressure mounted on them. This is mainly because the pressure they have received from Israel and the US has been absurd to say the least. It especially absurd considering what the Palestinians are trying to achieve which is simply to be treated as equals (if only by title) on the world stage and therefore being granted basic recognition on par with any other state on this planet. Nothing too radical or out of the ordinary there.
Though I do not claim to believe the situation the Palestinians find themselves in is an easy or simple one, I do think this move hinders rather than helps their plans. The fact that what they are asking is nothing short of the bare necessities is even more reason for them to stick to their guns and not allow Israel and the US to continue to dictate to them their every move. It is not them who are in the wrong so it shouldn’t be them who should be conceding. Most, if not nearly all, of the UN members are also sympathetic or in agreement with the Palestinians on their quest to be granted membership on the UN.
If the Arab Spring has taught us anything, its that the underdog can prevail.
