BS Speech part 2: The Sequel

As we all know sequels usually flop…and this speech is no exception to that rule. So here we go again with another off-the-tracks speech orchestrated by Mubarak to answer the calls and cries of his people….In true off-my-god-dam-rocker form he has of course done anything but that and instead answered his own selfish calls to try and stay on for as long as possible….

I think this basically sums up Mubarak’s mental state: At one point near the end of the speech he refers to himself in THIRD person which is a clear sign of where he stands on the mental scale of things…off-his-freaking-head.

Once again here is the speech with added commentary:

WARNING: anyone allergic to CHEESE and BULLS**** should avoid going any further….also, anyone with a nut allergy should steer clear from this nut job’s speech to.

I talk to you during critical times that are testing Egypt and its people which could sweep them into the unknown *Because all they have known is my dam face for 30 god dam years*. The country is passing through difficult times and tough experiences which began with noble youths and citizens who practise their rights to peaceful demonstrations and protests, expressing their concerns and aspirations but they were quickly exploited by those who sought to spread chaos and violence, confrontation and to violate the constitutional legitimacy and to attack it *oooh crap…I’ve given away the plot for tomorrows riots by my thugs….crap…crap…I’ve really gotta think before I speak more often…come to think of it maybe I shouldn’t push myself mentally…I’ve only just learnt how to spell the word ‘democracy’ …kept reading it on the people’s signs so it kind of just sunk in… have no f’n clue what it means though.. a nickname for me? *.

Those protests were transformed from a noble and civilised phenomenon of practising freedom of expression to unfortunate clashes, mobilised and controlled by political forces that wanted to escalate and worsen the situation *that’s a shout-out to my beloved Egypt weezy crew and their camels, horses and donkey’s…RESPECT… riot if you can hear me bois… Literally*. They targeted the nation’s security and stability through acts of provocation theft and looting and setting fires and blocking roads and attacking vital installations and public and private properties and storming some diplomatic missions.

We are living together painful days and the most painful thing is the fear that affected the huge majority of Egyptians and caused concern and anxiety over what tomorrow could bring them and their families and the future of their country *as opposed to the fear the population held beforehand of  the secret services and the police… that’s the GOOD kind of fear…Just like Bacteria people…their are good and bad kinds.. think of the previous type of fear as the activia fear.. dam well good for you*.

The events of the last few days require us all as a people and as a leadership to chose between chaos and stability and to set in front of us new circumstances and a new Egyptian reality which our people and armed forces must work with wisely and in the interest of Egypt and its citizens

Dear brothers and citizens, I took the initiative of forming a new government with new priorities and duties that respond to the demand of our youth and their mission *and by that I mean my demands and the demands of…you guessed it my beloved and adored crew*. I entrusted the vice president with the task of holding dialogue with all the political forces and factions about all the issues that have been raised concerning political and democratic reform and the constitutional and legislative amendments required to realise these legitimate demands and to restore law and order but there are some political forces who have refused this call to dialogue, sticking to their particular agendas without concern for the current delicate circumstances of Egypt and its people *really hope this time no one calls my bluff…I used long and important sounding words people … so if it doesn’t impress you… what gives?*.

In light of this refusal to the call for dialogue and this is a call which remains standing, I direct my speech today directly to the people, its Muslims and Christians, old and young, peasants and workers, and all Egyptian men and women in the countryside and city over the whole country.

I have never, ever been seeking power and the people know the difficult circumstances that I shouldered my responsibility and what I offered this country in war and peace, just as I am a man from the armed forces and it is not in my nature to betray the trust or give up my responsibilities and duties * yea I never sought power…it sought me…It kept courting me and harassing me till I just had to give in…it sent flowers, chocolates and even wrote me touching love struck poems….I can’t help it people…I’m a sucker for romance…and since we have spent 30 blissful years together.. I can’t help but stick faithfully  by it…it loves me and I love it…and that’s all that matters…plus…it pays my hefty bills..*

My primary responsibility now is security and independence of the nation to ensure a peaceful transfer of power in circumstances that protect Egypt and the Egyptians and allow handing over responsibility to whoever the people choose in the coming presidential election.

I say in all honesty and regardless of the current situation that I did not intend to nominate myself for a new presidential term *Yea…i know my limits people…30 years or so is just about enough of Hosni Mubarak being president….out with the old and in with the new I say…the new being Gamal Mubarak…See I was planning to give u a new snazzier Mubarak upgrade till you guys messed it up*. I have spent enough years of my life in the service of Egypt and its people

I am now absolutely determined to finish my work for the nation in a way that ensures handing over its safe-keeping and banner … preserving its legitimacy and respecting the constitution

I will work in the remaining months of my term to take the steps to ensure a peaceful transfer of power *from me to someone else like me…I’m taking this search for a tribute act of me seriously*.

According to my constitutional powers, I call on parliament in both its houses to discuss amending article 76 and 77 of the constitution concerning the conditions on running for presidency of the republic and it sets specific a period for the presidential term. In order for the current parliament in both houses to be able to discuss these constitutional amendments and the legislative amendments linked to it for laws that complement the constitution and to ensure the participation of all the political forces in these discussions, I demand parliament to adhere to the word of the judiciary and its verdicts concerning the latest cases which have been legally challenged. * I have no idea what all I just said means.. Thank god for speech writers.. come-to-think of it I don’t think I’ve ever read the constitution….I thought the constitution was simply whatever came out of my mouth…you learn something new every day I suppose*.

I will entrust the new government to perform in ways that will achieve the legitimate rights of the people and that its performance should express the people and their aspirations of political, social and economic reform and to allow job opportunities and combating poverty, realising social justice *shit I think I just mixed up my notes…don’t think anyone will realise that I’m harping on about the same crap I harped on about in my first speech.. if they do…ill just say I’m doin my bit for the environment and simply recycling.. can’t argue with my green fingered-ness*.

In this context, I charge the police apparatus to carry out its duty in serving the people, protecting the citizens with integrity and honour with complete respect for their rights, freedom and dignity. I also demand the judicial and supervisory authorities to take immediately the necessary measures to continue pursuing outlaws and to investigate those who caused the security disarray and those who undertook acts of theft, looting and setting fires and terrorising citizens *Dam should have worded that more selectively…under those rules I’m as good as f***** *.

This is my pledge to the people during the last remaining months of my current term:

I ask God to help me to honour this pledge to complete my vocation to Egypt and its people in what satisfies God, the nation and its people. *This religion card NEVER gets old.*

Dear citizens, Egypt will emerge from these current circumstances stronger, more confident and unified and stable. And our people will emerge with more awareness of how to achieve reconciliation and be more determined not to undermine its future and destiny.

*Someone call up the nearest mental institute and reserve a bed because we have a right old cracker coming in*> Hosni Mubarak who speaks to you today is proud of the long years he spent in the service of Egypt and its people. This dear nation is my country, it is the country of all Egyptians, here I have lived and fought for its sake and I defended its land, its sovereignty and interests and on this land I will die and history will judge me and others for our merits and faults. The nation remains. Visitors come and go but ancient Egypt will remain eternal, its banner and safekeeping will pass from one generation to the next. It is up to us to ensure this in pride and dignity.

So once again…he is managed to pull off another BS heavy speech…and in such a short time…what a ‘special’ person.

Till Next time,

 

Definition of BS: Mubarak’s Speech

So after hearing the speech of Hosni Mubarak i was left in shock and awe…..for all the WRONG reasons….This guy makes Tom Cruise look grounded in reality…It’s only a guy that deluded that can see his own people raging against HIM and think….maybe I need to change the configuration of the crew I role with. Hosni, let’s get one thing straight on the get go…just BECAUSE people are screaming your name doesn’t mean they like you…it ISN’T a coincidence that its usually accompanied with the words ‘Down’ and ‘With’.

Regardless …I have managed to attain the speech for you that he made with added commentary on what is going on inside his head…*which to be honest isn’t much*.

WARNING: anyone allergic to CHEESE and BULLS**** should avoid going any further.

I am addressing you at a very defining moment which mandates all of us to make a conscious stand *by stand i mean stand anywhere but in the streets*.  I have been closely monitoring the demonstrations and the demands voiced by the people * I’v been so busy monitoring it i’v had to cut back on the hours I spend rolling around in the country’s money *. My instructions to the government stressed that they should provide an opportunity for the masses to express their views and demands *my exact words to the police where; treat today like a game of GTA*. I then followed the attempts of some to jump on the bandwagon and cause unrest. I regret the innocent causalities and victims on both the side of the citizens and police personal. The government committed to my instructions and this was clear in the way the police handled demonstrators *yep…1030 wounded and counting… that’s gotta b an all time record… Not to mention the deaths…where IS my medal at?*. They took the initiative to defend them at the beginning of the demonstrations respecting their right to peaceful demonstrations. This was so long as it was within parameters of the law but these demonstrations turned into acts of riot threatening the public order and impairing the daily lives of the Egyptian citizens. These demonstrations and what we witnessed earlier of rallies staged over the past few years wouldn’t have taken place without the huge spaces and room for freedom of expression, freedom of press and many other forms of freedoms that was granted to the Egyptian people by the reforms * I’ll have you know people are FREE to choose whatever POSITIVE thing they want to say about me…EVEN the newspapers are free to print whatever positive thing that want to say about me…sure i usually stipulate which options they can choose from…but they  STILL have a choice…usually just between two options though…when i say 2…i mean 1*

In my capacity as a president of the republic and by virtue of all the powers conferred to me by *me* the constitution as *Big Daddy* a judge and arbitrator I always have stressed and will continue to reiterate that sovereignty will be to the people and i will always adhere to exercising the right of freedom and expression so long as it’s within the permits of law and constitution. There is a fine line separating freedom from chaos and while I take the side of citizen’s freedom to express their views I also similarly adhere to defending Egypt stability and security and to not steer it into any threats that may jeopardise public safety and public order whose repercussions on the current and future of Egypt is unpredictable *and by security and stability i mean my security and my ass-on-the-throne stability…that ass dent on the throne aint gona sustain itself *. Egypt is the biggest country in the region in terms of the population, geographical location and heavy weight it is a state of institutions governed by the constitution and the rule of law and we should be cautious and aware of the many examples around us that draw people to chaos and mayhem in which they gained no democracy or stability *discard all the many examples where this has succeeded like in America, Britian, South Africa, France….let’s just cut it short and just say screw history*. My fellow citizens these demonstrations came to express the lawful aspirations of more democracy and called for speedy actions to combat unemployment, raising standards of living, fighting poverty and addressing corruption. I am fully aware of these lawful aspirations of the Egyptian people and i am also aware of the degree of their suffering to which i am always attached to and working day after day for *Hell am i aware of their suffering…i DO take pride in my work after all…It isn’t easy being corrupt, hated and callous*. However the problems facing us and the goals sought by us cannot be achieved through violence nor chaos they can only be achieved through national dialogue and a conscious concerted genuine efforts *by dialogue i mean i talk you listen…you talk your ass gets thrown in Jail*.

The use of Egypt is a dear wealth, and Egypt looks to the demonstrators to steer away from those who entice chaos, looting public and private property, arsons and knocking down what we have been building *This of course does not apply to the secret undercover agents i have sent out to do just that…they are simply taking a simple approach to ‘refurbishing’ the country *. I have a firm belief and conviction that we will continue or political and economic social reforms for a free and democratic Egyptian society embracing the modern principles and opening to the world *note to self: ask the USA for more money to prop up our piggy bank*. I have taken the side and always will take the side of the poor people of Egypt convinced that Economy is too dangerous to be left to economist alone *It’s all about rookie’s luck i tell you… ask ANY gambler…i’m sure through trial and lots of error i’ll get it right*. I have always been keen to direct governmental policy towards economic reforms that speed up and lessen the suffering of the people *Note to self: Remember to ask the USA if they will cover our phone bills to them to*. Our plans to combat unemployment and provide more educational services, healthcare, housing and many other services to the youth and citizens will remain conditional on our efforts to maintain a secure and stable Egyptian homeland for the civilized people which will not jeopardise its future and allow it to go down the drain. We will rise above the arsons and looting which may indicate further plots to shake the foundations of stability of Egypt. I call on our youth and call on each and every Egyptian citizen man and woman to work for the public interest of the people and to stand up for their country  not by setting ablaze or assaulting public and private property  as it is not by this that we can achieve the aspirations of Egypt and its people. Yet these aspirations can be achieved for a better future by way of awareness, dialogue and genuine efforts for the public good *Must remember to call up my son Gamal and the rest of my crooked crew and tell them not to panic they are of course exempt from these conditionality’s…..better add that to the phone bill the USA will cover*.

My fellow citizens I address you today not only as the president of the republic but as an Egyptian citizen who’s faith put me under the responsibility of this country and I have exhausted my life for the country in times of war and peace *Holla at the fact that i played the religion card*. We have withered hard times and surmounted these obstacles by standing up for them as one nation. We are aware of our directions and goals set towards reform which we have embraced and which has no point of return. We will continue steadily through new steps that emphasis  our respect to the rule of law, new steps towards democracy, more freedoms to citizens,  reduction in unemployment, raising standard of living,  developing services and  to stand by the side of the poor and people of low income *Here is hoping no one calls my Bluff*. Our options and our goals will define the shape of out futures and we have no other alternative to achieve them but to embrace genuine work and through that struggle we will continue to maintain what we have earned and embark on. Those  cautious of the future of the nation the incidents that took place today and the past few days have left the majority of the Egyptian people fearing for Egypt and its future, cautious of further mayhem chaos and destruction *Especially since they don’t have the luxury afforded to me and my home bois of our own Egyptian police force… the national police force is our B**** *. I shoulder my first responsibility to maintain the homeland security and citizen safety and cannot tolerate or allow this fear to grip our people * how DARE they…tryna take OUR jobs of installing fear into the population away from us… you KNOW how much effort goes into building a secret service? Those Torture chambers are an investment people….and i WANT my money’s worth… especially since it’s a recession.. gotta break even*.  I won’t allow this to haunt our future and or our faith so I have requested the government to step down today and i will designate a new government as of tomorrow to shoulder new duties and to account for the priorities of the upcoming era *i know i know…I’m too kind…it’ll b hard work re-shuffling my cabinet but i’ll persist because I’m not a quitter…Literally..I’m thinking of maybe playing a game of musical chairs to decide who goes where*  I state once again that I will not b lax or tolerant and I will take all the steps to maintain the safety and security of all Egyptians. I will safeguard the safety of Egypt and the aspirations of our people it is the duty and responsibility which I have taken in the oath to safeguard and to maintain. May god save Egypt, its people and may he guide all our steps and may peace be upon you all *H-M over and out…AND that’s how you do it BEN ALI…smakkkkdowwwwn…where my FANS at*.

A massive congrats for those who managed to get to here without throwing up in disgust.

Till Next time,